In Sadie’s ideal world strangers don’t look at her much less stare at her. They don’t reach out to pet her. Definitely they don’t jostle her ears. They all go about their business as if Sadie wasn’t there, except, of course, they don’t bump into her or step on her paws. Sadie, naturally, can do as she pleases, sniffing strangers’ hands and shoes and investigating pant cuffs without anyone misinterpreting her ample curiosity as an invitation for a pat on the head.
I totally get this. I don’t like to be stared at either. And strangers patting me – anywhere on my body? Not so much.
Sadie’s Rules for House Guests are pretty much the same. “Ignore me please while I take my measure of you and decide if I want to get closer. I might sniff you and choose to lie down near you, neither of which means I want you waving your paw at me trying to pet my cute little head. You’ll know if I’m interested in your making nice on me if I sit down in front you. If you are so chosen, then you may caress my shoulder or scratch my chest. Soft strokes on my neck are good also. If I stand close to you, then you may smoothly stroke my back. Just keep you paws off my head! My head is off limits to all but ‘my special people.’”
I think it’s all about trust and self-confidence, neither of which Sadie has in abundance. The more she can size a person up on her own terms without them violating her space the more she begins to trust them and feel safe. This in turn feeds her self-confidence and sense of being in control — she gets to make the first overture — which allows her to relax and enjoy herself.
I totally get this also.
I’m reminded of high school dating. This is not a fond memory. Maybe I just picked the wrong guys to go out with, but my recollection is that I spent far too many movies and parties parrying with overly forward dates. I didn’t trust them, I wasn’t relaxed and I had about as much fun as a hamster crossing paths with a boa constrictor.
How did I learn Sadie’s rules of engagement? She taught me with her behavior. Ducking away from waving hands, barking at people who stared at her unblinkingly (some do, it’s really weird), leaving the room when houseguests came over and not returning until they left. All were sure signs of discomfort.
Then there were times when strangers or guests didn’t pay any attention to Sadie for whatever reason. I noticed Sadie would perk up and sniff them and their belongings. Sometimes she would sit or stand next to them. Typically when she did this people would respond by absent-mindedly reaching out and touching her. If Sadie stayed put (indicating she was enjoying the stroking) I would give Sadie a treat or hand one to the person to give to Sadie to further reinforce her confident behavior.
Sadie’s a very clear communicator. I wish I had been a faster learner since it’s my responsibility to inform people of Sadie’s rules and be the enforcer if necessary. But, after months, nay years (How dull of me is that?); we finally have the program down.
Just last Wednesday our dog-loving friend, John, came over to play Go with Ira. (Wondering what Go is? Click here.)
John and Sadie have met several times, but he’s not yet one of ‘her people’ so, and especially because I wasn’t going to be there when John arrived, I thought Sadie’s Rules for House Guests should be in force. John and I exchanged a series of emails in which I explained Sadie’s Rules and John probed with questions like:
Are you asking me not to pet her under any circumstances, regardless of what she does? I was thinking of, after a certain amount of time, trying lying down on my back (to appear curious and non-threatening), and if she came close enough to my head, reaching slowly up to let her sniff my hand & perhaps let me pet her.
Of course, if you think this wouldn’t be a good idea, I can stoutly ignore her the entire evening.
I laughed. John loves dogs and he was obviously really thinking this through!
Upon arriving home, what did I find? Sadie standing next to John thoroughly enjoying her back being stroked.
“Wow! That’s great! How did this happen?”
John told me that he had ignored Sadie when he arrived and that while he was focused on the game he was playing with Ira, Sadie started to hang around him.
“I just reached out to pet her without really thinking about it.”
I gave John some freeze-dried bison lung.
Sadie rules!
My comment below relates to Ty, who is our fearful dog – so I can identify. Buster, on the other hand, is a sponge and can’t get enough affection or attention.
For Inside the House: I know you’re not a big fan of Cesar Millan, but the one tip we took away from his show was the “No talk, no touch, no eye contact” rule. That’s what we tell people when they are meeting Ty.
For Outside the House: We got Ty a little doggie vest and patches that say “Please Don’t Pet Me – I’m Working” from SitSay.com. It has saved us a lot of aggravation from people who just feel they have to pet Ty. Here is the blog post I wrote about it – http://www.gopetfriendlyblog.com/2010/05/tys-too-sexy/
Hi Rod
Great post – “Please Don’t Pet Me – I’m Working.” And, I have to agree with you that “No talk, no touch, no eye contact” is right on, until, that is, the dog, makes it apparent that those rules can be relaxed.
Great post! I too can completely relate. While Jasper (my Sheltie) soaks up the attention, Daisy (my Lab) needs time and space to better assess you before you start petting her. Some people she warms up to right away and will sit next to them begging for a pet. Others she just skitters away from and watches from a distance.
And Rod, completely agree with the “No talk, no touch, no eye contact” rule. I use the same approach when working with new clients who are fearful dogs. It has always served me well.
This post was a great reminder for me that I am Pru’s rule advocate. Summer usually means an abundance of guests and I sometimes lack the courage to tell people “please ignore my dog.” Maybe it’s because I’ve had people react badly to me saying this (“ignore your dog?! What do you mean?! You are a horrible dog parent!” etc) but your post reminded me that I AM taking care of Pru by telling guests to just pretend she’s not there until she acknowledges them.
Oh and welcome back! You have been missed.
Aw…thanks for the welcome back.
I know what you mean about people reacting badly. I’ve had similar experiences. I’ve found that if I ask people to help Sadie build her confidence by ignoring her then it’s a little easier for them to understand.
Good luck with Pru.
I’ve had my dog Lily since October. As she’s grown older, we’ve discovered that she’s pretty much just like Sadie. Thankfully, I know someone else with a reactive dog, so I was familiar with the type of situation and was able to recognize the signs.
I just wish there was an easier way to inform people that while, yes, my dog is adorable and you would like to pet her, that is the absolute last thing she wants. Some people just don’t seem to believe me when I attempt to warn them that she does like them staring at her and she won’t like it if they try to pet her, especially on the head. They seem to think that a cute, fuzzy dog is begging for attention just by being cute and fuzzy.
Hi Zarda
As I replied to Ashley, I find it helps to say something like, “Please help Sadie build her confidence by ignoring her. I know that sounds strange, but, really, it will help her immensely.” Most people want to help even if it means not petting your sweet dog.
I find it hard to resist dogs and until I got Sadie I was terrible at reaching out and petting dogs, not all of whom wanted anything to do with me! So in her own way, Sadie has helped to make the world a little kinder for the dogs that I meet. I let them come to me and check me out.
Love the photo! I often tell people that I know how handsome Sunny is and if they do find themselves going eye ball to eye ball with him to blink, glance away or turn their heads. It’s practically impossible for people ‘not’ to look at him so I try to give them the ‘what to do next’ move. Pressure on, pressure off.
Oh, I like that–pressure on, pressure off. It’s so hard for people not to look and touch. It was for me too until Sadie taught me otherwise. So I’m much better meeting ‘new’ dogs that I used to be.
I have a timid dog of my own and have enjoyed reading Sadie’s adventures. Misha is still somewhat timid but is also coming out of her shell a bit and sometimes gets a little too forward as she gains a bit of confidence. She would like to addend the rules to add that while she is getting to know you it is perfectly okay for her to stick her big square nose in your crotch but you are NOT to act startled or jump because that would scare her.
I’m laughing out loud! You bet. Crotch sniffing without the ‘sniffee’ reacting has been duly added to the list.
Great post (and comments). I often find that encouraging a dog’s human companion to be more assertive in defining the boundaries of interaction (e.g. “Please ignore my dog.” or “My dog isn’t friendly” – even if that’s not necessarily true) is a great way for the person to overcome social anxiety. It helps you be stronger in your presence if you 1. See yourself as your dogs protector/counselor whose mission it is to help your dog have good experiences and 2. Learn that it essentially doesn’t matter what someone else thinks about your recommendation – as long as they follow it!
A quick tip/addition (if you don’t mind) – it can be helpful to give a dog something to DO with the energy that they’re experiencing when they encounter someone new. A quick game of tug (where your dog wins), or guiding your dog, with treats, into a down/stay on their bed on the other side of the room. Not only are you helping your dog navigate the situation, but you’re also building the trust that they experience with you. In other words – that YOU are a reliable resource for helping them deal with the emotions that the world stirs up.
If you’re going to do this (like play tug – where you let your dog win – for example) then it helps to practice this outside when there aren’t any stressors around, so it doesn’t catch your dog totally by surprise if you pull out the tug toy when guests arrive. After all, your dog needs to build that muscle – especially if they’re used to having to fend for themselves.
Hi Neil
I like your suggestions. And although Sadie’s not a great tug player we have learned to play “touch.” I wrote about it in “Magic Touch for Fearful Dogs.” You can read it here http://bit.ly/awHY39
Thanks again!
Ooh – that’s great!
If Sadie’s into “touch”, then you might not have any trouble at all getting her into “pushing” (with you). This is a technique that I’ve used to help many fearful dogs not only deal with their situational stress, but also vent stored stress. It’s even better than tug.
Here’s an article on how to push.
And here’s an example of how you would use it when you’re on a walk like the one that you described in your “magic touch” article – where your dog is obviously stressed, or even already flipping out:
Helping Your Dog Overcome Stress on a Walk with Pushing
I’ll be curious to hear your thoughts!
Side note – I often tell people to “talk” to their dogs with touch, since physical contact (and body language) is a form of communication that dogs understand much more easily than English or *insert language here*.
Thanks! I’ll try this.
Laughed aloud re crotch sniffing and not reacting lesson – that’s a real trick with some dogs! Great post! And Debbie Jacobs comment about the “pressure on, pressure off” concept put me in mind of the Behavioral Adjustment Training. Glad you’re back!
Hi Mary
Thanks for welcome back 🙂
[…] This excellent excellent post from the Boulder Dog blog looks at the world from a fearful dogs point of view. The info in here is important for ALL dog owners, not just those of us who own fearful, shy or spooky pets: Thank You For Ignoring my Dog […]
[…] […]
i really enjoyed this post, and was reading the comments with interest when i came across *natural dog training* AKA *kevin behan*, LOL.
bummer… it was such a nice change to be away from the usual drivel of CM/DW, Alpha-rolls, wolf-pack theory and dumbinance, i was caught off-balance by the sudden change –
like walking down a staircase in the dark, and stepping onto a step that isn’t there, THUMP – a disconcerting shock.
simply targeting and shaping for pressure accomplishes precisely the same object, sans the Be-The-Moose or prey-“drive” pom-poms.
[the concept of *drives* originated in human-psych and was trashed in the 1960s; it only persists as sloppy terminology in dog-training + behavior, but it is imprecise + misleading, altho convenient as shorthand.]
the original post is TERRIFIC – thanks so much, deborah!
– terry pride, APDT-Aus, apdt#1827, CVA, TDF
*wolves R wolves, dogs R dogs, and primates R us.*
– sept 2007
Terry–thank you for commenting! Very interesting about the “drive drivel.” I appreciate your clarifying remarks. There is so much misinformation about dogs that has penetrated deep into the collective mind. it’s hard to weed it out. So, thanks.
heres a link for further reading –
Drive Reduction Theory
http://tinyurl.com/36g9lrg OR
http://psychology.jrank.org/pages/195/Drive-Reduction-Theory.html
Drive Theory was originally *drive reduction* theory, abbreviated for convenience; it was QUOTE:
“A popular theory of the 1940s and 1950s that attributed behavior to the desire to reduce tension produced by primary (biological) or secondary (acquired) drives.”
a primary ‘drive’ would include hunger, breeding, etc; secondary ‘drives’ would be learnt over time, by association or conditioning.
thru the 40s and 50s, the number of ‘drives’ proliferated madly, and the theory required constant addendums and exceptions, so it was not parsimonious. it became ridiculously unwieldy and was discarded.
cheers,
— terry
I enjoy your post – great work!
[…] This excellent excellent post from the Boulder Dog blog looks at the world from a fearful dogs point of view. The info in here is important for ALL dog owners, not just those of us who own fearful, shy or spooky pets: Thank You For Ignoring my Dog […]