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My Dog Is Just Not That Into Me

Aug 28th, 2009 by

Envy smarts when I read tweets like this one from @KellyGDunbar: Trying 2 type w/an 85lb AmBull (Dune) on my back-He’s sitting behind me on my chair w/his huge head on my shoulder as tho he’s reading-he missed me. 

Or, this from @Barrie: Night all. My dogs and I are off to bed for cuddles and to watch a Nick Dodman DVD—or something to that effect. 

What’s to envy you ask? It’s not that Barrie has a TV in her bedroom and I don’t. It’s all that physicality! These dogs are proactive cuddle-bunnies. 

A huge, wonderful part of having a dog, at least for me, is the bottomless doggie bowl of I-can’t-get-close-enough-to-you snuggles and kisses. In fact, I picked Sadie from among her littermates because she melded into my body when I held her. Surely this was a promising sign of cuddles to come. But I guess she was just tired that day. It was the first and last time she melded. 

Don’t get me wrong. Sadie has her physical moments. Greetings mostly. But, after she performs her ecstatic wiggle-butt, tippy-toe dance, Sadie chills. No annoying pawing at my lap for affection. Stroke her just once when she’s resting, and she’s up and away. 

Most of all, I just want Sadie to snuggle with me in bed. It’s normal for dogs to curl up with you like they did their littermates. Right? 

Victoria Stilwell spends a good many TV hours trying to coax dogs out of their people’s beds. Me? I’m trying to cajole Sadie into mine.

But, she’s just not that into me.

I never fretted much over men.

When Alex smilingly said, “I have to hit the books Saturday night,” I knew that was code for “You’re history,” and not the kind he suddenly had to study. A soothing chat with my college roommates and I was pretty much good to go. All in all, I didn’t waste much time fantasizing about how things coulda been or shoulda been. I didn’t roll over and over in my mind all matter of things wrong with me, like so many numbered balls in a lotto tumbler. I’m not sure where I learned this savoir-faire. Maybe it’s hereditary. I think my mom was the same way. And, now that I’m married, that whole issue is, indeed, history.

But, Sadie?

I pine. I brood. 

Sadie chooses to lie next to me (sigh) while gnawing on her beloved bone. She loves me!

I sit down on the couch and she jumps off. She loves me not. 

Sadie greets me with kisses and wiggles. She’s into me!

I invite her to join me in bed. Sadie refuses. She’s not.

Seems I’ve hitched a ride on that special emotional roller-coaster reserved for people like me who are totally in love with their dog and want that love reciprocated in the way they want it! I’m up. I’m down. I’m exhilarated. I’m crushed. Why can’t Sadie just be over-the-top affectionate, like Kelly’s American Bulldog, Dune?

I know in my mind that if I don’t jump off this crazy carnival ride it’s only going to pick up speed and probably crash! But hope springs eternal for my broken heart and it keeps me hangin’ on. Maybe someday my Sadie-girl will sleep next to me, her head on my pillow.

Perhaps the problem is my high-pitched, staccato entreaty–“Sadie girl, come on, jump up! Jump up! Jump up!” punctuated by my hand slapping the bed. That does not work. At all. Maybe I’m overbearing. Maybe if I didn’t ooze desperation. What if I played hard to get? You know. Try some reverse-psychology. “Sadie, my dear, don’t even think about climbing into this bed. You are not welcome! See how you like that!” Sadie tosses me an I-couldn’t-care-less glance and saunteres out of the room, tail erect. Seems she liked that just fine.

I resorted to mental telepathy. 

I laid in bed forming precise pictures in my mind. I imagined Sadie walking through the bedroom door. I saw her leaping onto the bed, lying down next to me, and resting her head on my tummy. A feeling of honey thick warmth flowed over me. Within a minute or so my eyes were startled open by Sadie actually jumping onto the bed! Just as I has visualized! She nestled next to me and extended her head across by tummy. About 30 seconds later she up and left. It wasn’t long, but it was wonderful. And, try as I might, telepathy never again worked.

Next up—frozen Gerber’s Baby Food. 

I know what many of you savvy dog people are thinking: Why doesn’t she try to condition Sadie to have a positive emotional response to snuggling in bed? I considered trying this approach using her favorite treat, freeze dried liver. But the thought of liver dust clinging to my sheets was too high a price. Apparently I have limits. This was news to me. Alternatively I took frozen jars of beef baby food to bed. But, instead of employing classical conditioning, really, I just bribed her.

“Hey Sadie, see what I have?” I’d call and show her the jar of baby food. She’d fly onto the bed. Slam her body against mine. Lick the jar clean. Step off the bed, and walk out of the room. Well, it was nice while the baby food lasted.

My Twitter friend, author Edie Jarolim aka @WillMyDogHateMe, has written a book by the same name and has a new book soon to hit the bookstores–Am I Boring My Dog?  These are not merely clever book titles or idle questions. I really worry about this stuff. Does Sadie hate me? Am I’m boring her to tears. Why else won’t she nestle with me?

Out of desperation, I signed Sadie and I up to meet with an animal communicator at the Psychic Horizons Center. The center is located on the ground floor of an apartment building near the downtown Boulder Pearl Street pedestrian mall. On Wednesday evenings they offer walk-in sessions, first come first served. To be sure we secured a place on the sign-up sheet, Sadie and I arrived a little early.

We got off to an inauspicious start.

Assuming we were entering an empty waiting room, I just yanked open the front door. But, the room was not empty at all. About twenty people were sitting utterly motionless in a circle with their eyes cast down staring at the floor, chanting. It took a Sadie a nanosecond to assess this scene as “weird and scary” and to cut loose a stunning display of full-throated “Rrrruf. Ruf. Ruf. Ruf. Rrrrruuuhhhh. Ruf!” and a lunge or two for good measure.

The meditation session aborted, a kindly bearded man escorted us to a “reading room” and told us to wait for the animal communication specialist. If nothing else, these people knew how to roll with the punches.

Soon Anne, our animal communicator, tapped lightly on the door, and asked if she could come in. Sadie greeted her with a more muted “Rrruff. Ruf. Ruf.” and dispensed with the lunges entirely. Anne asked me for my name and Sadie’s and how old Sadie was. Then she said, “Give me a moment to center and tune into Sadie. We’ll see what she has to say.” 

Fine. Good. Sadie sniffed around and extracted Kleenexes one by one from the box on the floor.

Without prompting from me about Sadie’s standoffishness, Anne reported, “Sadie says she needs alone time and privacy. I think that’s because she’s brought some trauma into this life from past incarnations. Being as young as she is, she needs time to process her emotions, otherwise she feels overwhelmed. As she grows up, she’ll feel more confident and want to be closer.”

Stunned silence. Ah, okay.

“Sadie says she would like for you to stop worrying and give her the space she needs.”

“Is this making any sense?” Anne queried.

I have no idea how Anne received her information or where she got it from. Maybe it was just dumb luck that she was so spot on. And, I’m not sure what I think about reincarnation. But, no matter. From that moment on, I surrendered. I stepped off the roller coaster.

Taking what Anne said at face value, Sadie’s behavior began to make more sense to me. I found myself feeling more empathy for her and feeling a little less sorry for myself. I began to recast myself from the role of “unrequited lover” to that of “spiritual friend.”  Maybe I can help Sadie by both giving her the space she needs and keeping the door open for connection when she wants it.

So, for bedtime, Sadie made it clear that she wants her own blankie with her own pillow on her own sofa in her own room. And, that’s exactly what she has.

I also discovered that placing a pillow in the middle of the couch in the den allows Sadie to be close without being too close. The pillow is sort of a friendly fence. Every now and then, while I’m sitting at one end of the sofa and Sadie is laying at the other, she nestles her head into the pillow inches from my arm. That is so sweet. Sometimes I can’t resist stroking her velvet cheek. Most of the time, lately, she doesn’t budge.

Of course, I still long for cuddles, and, occasionally, Sadie surprises me. Just the other night I was sitting on the floor resting my back against the couch watching It’s Me Or The Dog. Little Ms. Sadie settled down on her doggie bed next to me and ever so lightly rested her head on my arm. Heaven! I didn’t dare move for the whole hour.

And, envy still stings when I read tweets about doggie snuggles or see Sadie’s friends lean against and nuzzle their moms and dads.

Funny, I’m just now remembering something I learned over a decade ago at a Buddhist meditation retreat (and, soon forgot in the turmoil of everyday life). Sympathetic Joy—taking pleasure in the joy of others and wishing them even more joy! Now, if that’s not an antidote to envy, I don’t know what is.

That Sadie girl of mine. She certainly has life lessons up her paw for me. I’m reminded of something I heard, I forget from whom—We don’t get the dogs we want, we get the dogs we need. And, might I add—We get the dogs who need us.

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Posted in Behavior, Uncategorized, Victoria Stilwell | 14 Comments »

And another thing… Do You Suffer from “Alpha Anxiety”?

Aug 16th, 2009 by

(updated below)

Do you no longer invite friends to dinner because you worry they will learn the truth–that Maximus is the real Top Dog and you are a sorry wimp because he has commandeered the living room couch and carved his name into it with his teeth?

Are you concerned that Brunhilda is vying for the coveted “Alpha” pack position when she takes YOU for a walk, dragging you behind her like a Raggedy Ann doll? 

Do you fret that Brutus is trying to rule the roost by peeing in your bed such that when you look at the yellow stains just right they spell “peon”?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you are not alone!

Many of you out there are suffering from Alpha Anxiety, wasting valuable time worrying about how to keep your nefarious canine from pulling rank. Just read this poor dear’s lament.

But, despair not! Relief is just a few paragraphs away.

First the good news. Unlike “death anxiety,” the solution to which any existentialist worth her salt will tell you is death itself, Alpha Anxiety’s cure is not lethal!

On the face of it, it would seem to follow that if the way to conquer death anxiety is to die, then surely the cure for Alpha Anxiety is to become, well, Once-And-For-All Alpha.

Ah, not so fast. That solution is no solution at all. It just leads to ever-greater Alpha Anxiety! You can never be sure that your top doggedness is secure once-and-for-all. You always have to anxiously guard your hard won command. Just when you think you’ve subjugated Beauregard to your supreme authority, the sneaky little stinker finds another way to subvert your right of rulership by, say, sneaking the t-bone off the grill or slipping out of the door ahead of you. There is no end to his craftiness. After all, what else does he have to do at home alone all day but plot his assault on your supremacy?

Now for even better news! Rather than death anxiety, Alpha Anxiety more resembles “appearance anxiety,” fretting about whether or not you look good enough. I know from where I speak. In a previous professional incarnation I taught women studies at the University of Colorado at Boulder. Women, and young women, in particular, I probably don’t need to tell you, suffer greatly from appearance anxiety. And, now it is on the rise among men and boys. OY!

Just like Alpha Anxiety, appearance anxiety cannot be remedied by transforming yourself into the most beautiful, fittest person in the world because even if you could, and you cannot, stuff happens. You have bad hair days. You gain weight. Your skin breaks out. And, worst of all, you have the bad taste to grow old. 

So every semester, I gave this assignment: Just as an experiment, for one semester, do not read or even glance at Cosmopolitan, Vogue, Glamour, Self, Seventeen or anything like them. Clear your room or apartment of every last vestige of these glossy rags dedicated to ostensibly binding your appearance anxiety–How you too can be a knock-out on $5 a day–all the while cranking it up by telling you to whittle yourself into a size 0. And, no cheating while standing in the check-out line! And definitely do not Tivo America’s Next Top Model. 

Instead, I told them: Just as an experiment, watch PBS, non-sexist sitcoms (if you can find one) and read only Ms. or The Nation, Mother Jones, Time or Newsweek, The New York Times–anything but the usual suspects that make you feel you are not fully human because you have limp hair and cankles.    

So, if appearance anxiety is cranked up by, well, just about everything, then who or what is planting the seeds of Alpha Anxiety? Hmm. Let me think. Could…it…be… the ubiquitous “dominance theory” of dog behavior: Your sweet, little Sophie is really a wolf dressed up like a poodle. Ignore at your peril her calculating attempts to best you!

And, of course, there’s dominance gospel’s dominant celebrity mega-mouthpiece Cesar Millan and his PR machine. And, let’s not forget the thousands of Cesar defenders and imitators! And now, Animal Planet is apparently trying to get a leg up on National Geographic with In the Dog House. Face it, dominance and alpha champions are EVERYWHERE. Just look in your local yellow pages under “dog training.” And don’t be taken in by “No Harsh Methods” advertising. If they have to say it, it probably isn’t so.

No wonder people are freaking out. If your dog barks and pulls at his leash, there’s something wrong with YOU! You are not projecting dominance. There’s a gaping hole in your alpha aura and your wolf dog is exploiting it! And everyone who sees you knows it. “Look at that poor sucker. Hey buddy, that’s some alpha dog there and it ain’t you! Ha!” Oh, the humiliation of it all.

Well, suffer no more. 

Just as an experiment: For 3 months resist the urge to tune into National Geographic’s The Dog Whisperer. Tie your hands and blindfold yourself, if necessary. Wear ear plugs. Do not google Cesar Millan. If you have his site bookmarked, banish it! Same goes for Animal Planet’s In the Dog House. Hide the remote control if you have to!

Throw away your “good dog collars” (you know, the ones that look like a shark’s mouth), shock collars, e-collars, spray collars, choke chains, prong collars, Illusion collars. If your trainer tells you to alpha roll, shock, shake, jerk, stare down, or otherwise harass your dog into submission, send them packing.

If, when along with your purchase of Frontline for fleas and ticks or heartworm preventative Heartgard for your dog, you receive a free Cesar Millan DVD–don’t take it! Or, destroy it. Or, mail it back to the drug manufacturer, Merial. Tell them you are treating yourself for Alpha Anxiety and have no use for their anxiety aiding and abetting DVD. (see update below)

I know, when you’re in the grip of Alpha Anxiety it’s hard to let go of the very things that you hope will land you on top. But, just the way trying to make yourself over in the image of photoshopped pictures of impossibly beautiful people aggravates appearance anxiety, so struggling to embody the elusive alpha, at all costs to you and your dog, only turns up the dial on your Alpha-Anxiety-O-Meter. But, YOU CAN DO IT! 

Just as an experiment: For 3 months, to satisfy your addiction to TV dog training, watch Victoria Stilwell’s It’s Me or the Dog on Animal Planet. Tivo her. Google her.

Your dog pulls? Try a halter where the leash hooks in front.

Just for the heck of it, for one day (and then more as you catch on) vow to “catch” your dog in the act of doing, well, something you like and reward her with something she loves. A treat. A chest scratch. A ball toss. Praise.

Let’s say you catch Roxie in the act of sitting. “Oh my little Roxie, what a goooood girl.” Is Baxter laying quietly with you while you watch Victoria Stilwell (or even better, actually watching her with you, as my Sadie does)? Reward him and tell him what an excellent dog he is. Don’t want Missy jumping on guests? While you’re managing the situation by putting her behind a baby gate and treating her every time she is quiet, get thee to this website and find a positive trainer in your area.

Just like my students, who at semester’s end were amazed at how much less they were performing the masochistic daily drill of scrutinizing themselves in the mirror looking for “six impossibly ugly things about myself before breakfast,” and, how much more they liked themselves, so you too might feel at the end of your 3-month experiment a little less obsessed with dominating your dog. Perhaps your fear of not achieving alpha will have gone the way of the choke chain you threw out months ago. Maybe, best of all, you’ll feel more relaxed and connected to your increasingly well-behaved pooch.

I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!

UPDATE

October 5, 2009: There is good news from the American Veterinary Society of Animal Behavior (AVSAB) regarding the not-so-good Merial-Millan business relationship I referenced above!

The selected quote below is from the announcement on the AVSAB facebook page. Be sure to visit AVSAB on facebook to read the entire notice and the encouraging responses!

In early August, AVSAB President, Dr. Kathy Meyer spoke with Dr. Hal Little, director of Merial Field Veterinary Services, regarding their campaign featuring the Dog Whisperer, Cesar Millan. The following points were discussed during their conversation: 

1. The Millan promotion will stop at the end of August rather than at the end of September.
2. The promotion was not particularly successful, although Dr. Little could not give Dr. Meyer specific numbers.
3. It was NOT a multi-part contract, e.g., no other product promotions with Mr. Millan are planned.

…

Read more of the results of the discussion between Dr. Kathy Meyer (AVSAB) and Dr. Hal Little (Merial) by clicking here.


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Posted in And another thing, Behavior, Dominance, Uncategorized, Victoria Stilwell | 11 Comments »

It’s Positively Orwellian in Dogworld

Jul 31st, 2009 by

(updated below)

It’s positively Orwellian in Dogworld these days. Up is down. War is peace. And, the shark-tooth pinch collar (That IS what it looks like and it does bite the dog’s neck. See it here.) is called the “good dog collar.” It is “gentle” and “enhances your relationship with your dog” and is sold by PetSafe Warehouse. PetSAFE. Really?

I had sworn off writing about nasty collars that pinch and gouge and send electric currents through our dogs’ bodies. Hanging dogs by their leash and collar to “correct” them, aka helicoptering dogs, Cesar Millan and his wannabes–Is there a town in the US without at least one Cesar wannabe? I thought I had said good-bye to all that too.

Instead I aimed to focus on the amazing stuff going on in the world of reward-based training. And, it is HUGE. Look here, here, and here for just a tiny sample. And, don’t forget to check out the dog bloggers on my blog roll. They are terrific!  As for me, I wanted to write more stories about how such training changed my life and probably saved Sadie’s. (I will do this!)

But, first I must take a whack at dismantling the Orwellian doublethink that is running rampant in the world of dogs. It’s crazy out there! And, I don’t believe it will go away by ignoring it, like begging at the table.

Let’s begin with euphemisms. Like “leash correction” for jerking the dog’s neck, or helicoptering, as I mentioned above. My personal favorites are “remote” collars, “underground” fences, and, the latest way to shock your dog, the PetSafe Stay Mat! Wireless Crate. They are everywhere in everyday places we don’t typically associate with possible torture by electric shock such as  Amazon.com and LL Bean. What could possibly be wrong with something that is remote and “doesn’t cause any harm,” and sold by good ol’ LL Bean?

Plenty. The shocks these devices deliver are not remote or invisible or harmless to our dogs. They are up close and personal. But that sanitized language gives us a way to talk about shocking the hell out of our dogs, intentionally or “accidentally” (Oops! Turned that dial way up. Didn’t mean to do that!) without actually saying what we are doing. And, if we can’t say what we are doing, then we might not even know what we are doing.

What concerns me is that the general doggie public seems to be gulping this 100-pound bag of nasty Orwellian kibble without even choking.

One way out of this mess is to insist on calling a spade what it is, a bloody shovel! No more slight of hand. No more euphemisms. No more “remote” this or “tickle and buzz” that.

Frankly, as I see it, if these devices were meant to merely deliver a tingle or a buzz to “get our dog’s attention” then that’s ALL they would be designed to do. But they are not.

Here’s a second bit of Orwellian doublethink that’s showing up a lot more these days, it seems to me. Traditional compulsion trainers are dressing up their punitive methods in the admittedly feel-good language of reward-based training. You know, using words like “happy dog,” “relationship,” “no harsh methods,” “bonding.”

For instance, this quote: “Dogs that don’t get corrections are much less happy (than those who are trained using reward-based methods).” (Italics mine.) Apparently corrections, which are punishments, make dogs happy? I am not making this up. You can read the blog post by the guy who claims to be Utah’s number one dog trainer here. He also says corrections should be used as a means of “building a better bond between dog and owner.” (Italics mine). So dogs are masochists?

There is not one iota of science to back up his assertion. In fact, research tells us just the opposite. See for yourself here (p.139) and here. And, don’t forget what Ian Dunbar has to say is an undeniable fact about punishment: “Any punishment for inappropriate behavior is an advertisement that you have yet to effectively teach your dog how you would like him to act.”

That said, there is one possible exception that I learned about in a lecture by a leading reward-based trainer. Dogs who were trained using mostly positive reinforcement and occasionally mildly corrected by being told something like, “That won’t do. Try again,” did learn faster than the dogs that received only positive reinforcement. But, taking note of the prong collar Mr. Utah’s dog wears in the picture on his website, I don’t think he’s referring to this kind of mild correction despite his use of words like “humane.”

And, that picture of his dog in a prong collar is another Orwellian slight of hand, or mind. In contrast to the picture, he claims he does not use harsh methods, as does a local trainer in my neck of the woods. On her website she shows a picture of herself holding the remote control for a shock collar while advertising—“No harsh methods.” (She, by the way, is the trainer who trained Jane to train George who ran up to me screaming on Sanitas Valley trail trying desperately to escape the searing pain around his neck. (You can read about Jane and George in “It’s Shocking.”)

The problem here is that for people who don’t know better, and many don’t, they don’t see the contradictions. They just see that ‘professional’ dog trainers say punishment using prong collars and shock collars is humane, so it must be so.

I had my own little adventure into the 1984-like world of dog training. Out of curiosity I emailed a local dog-training center to ask them about their training approach, information that was nowhere to be found on their extensive website. Their reply? “We prefer positive reinforcement and our style mirrors the Monks of New Skete.” Ah, okay. That’s curious. The Monks as I recall use lots of corrections.

Finally, there is that Orwellian twist of the tongue where you say you are doing one thing, while actually doing quite another. Do you recall the Clear Skies initiative? That was a federal program that allowed tons more pollutants into the air.

Here’s an example of a similar thing from the dog training world. In this video Cesar’s instructing you in how to fit and walk your dog with his “Illusion Collar.” I love the name. It’s like the collar isn’t even there. It’s just an illusion. I know. I know. It’s named after his wife. But somehow I don’t think that if his wife were named Patty it would have been called the “Patty Collar.”

Click here for the video. Pay attention to the dog. How does the dog look to you? Happy? Loving its Illusion Collar? To my amateur eyes, this dog appears anxious and stressed: ears pinned back, panting, lip licking. She’s not a happy dog about to go for a walk.

Notice the music–la de da, nothing untoward happening here. And what does Cesar say just after he puts the contraption over the dog’s head: “The most important part is the conditioning, how he feels about the collar. It’s best for them not to feel anxious, nervous, fearful tense…”

Do his words and the images match? Did he doing anything to condition the dog to the collar even though he said that was the “most important part”? Do you think the collar evokes a positive response from the dog? I don’t see it. It seems to me he’s merely tolerating it because he has to.

And, by the way, how did YOU feel as you watched? Happy? Uneasy?

Now let’s take a look at a video of dog trainer Jean Donaldson conditioning her dog to the gentle leader, another kind of contraption to help keep dogs from pulling on walks. Click here and scroll down to “Conditioning an Emotional Response” to view the video.

How did the Chow dog look to you? Reluctant? Engaged? Happy? Does she learn to like her gentle leader?

What about Jean’s words? Did they match what’s going on in the video? I think so.

And, how did you feel watching this video compared to the last one?

I have to say I could barely bring myself to view the Illusion video more than once. I felt very badly for the dog. How much more joyfully Jean’s dog willingly puts her head through the gentle leader, a harness, by the way, that most dogs do not take to easily.

So here’s my shout out to you:

  • Call out the contradictions between what is said and what is done when you see them.
  • Don’t abide euphemisms. Debunk them.
  • Take back the language of reward-based training when it is co-opted in the service of dressing up traditional punishment-based training.

And, stay positive. I am.

Now, is that a contradiction?

UPDATE

Kudos to Collen Falconer of Enlightened K9 for naming “helicoptering” what it is–ABUSE. See her blog post here.

See Nicole Silvers blog post calling out the damage that so-called “invisible” fences can do here.

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Posted in Behavior, Jean Donaldson, Shock collar, Stress, Uncategorized | 6 Comments »

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