Tears, no, make that sobs, shattered my usual I-am-a-rational-person persona. The quesadilla I was eating momentarily stuck in my throat, caught in the crosscurrents of my trying to swallow against erupting emotion that seemed to come out of nowhere.
It all began very innocently. Turid Rugaas and I were seated alone at adjacent tables in the Oakland Marriot Convention Center café waiting to order lunch. Should I approach her and tell her how much I appreciated her book On Talking Terms with Dogs: Calming Signals? Should I tell her how much her work has helped Sadie and me? She was presenting at the APDT 2009 Annual Conference after lunch and perhaps in her solitude she was gathering her thoughts. No, I shouldn’t bother her, I thought. Yes, I should. No, I shouldn’t. And then, I did.
Turid graciously invited me to join her for lunch.
Talk quickly turned to Sadie, my dog, and her chronic fearfulness. I provided the abridged version of how scared Sadie was of seemingly everything and everybody from the moment I brought her home at ten weeks of age. Turid approved of my waiting until Sadie was ten weeks old to remove her from her litter, but when I mentioned that I had enrolled Sadie in puppy kindergarten and made a point of exposing her to lots of different environments, Turid said “That’s way too much! It’s over-stimulating for a puppy. Dogs need time to go at their own pace.”
I don’t remember if Turid said these words exactly, but what I latched onto was the idea that rather than helping Sadie to overcome her fears, my going into socialization overdrive probably exacerbated them.
I’m sure Turid’s remarks would have struck me as interesting in any case, but they wouldn’t have packed the emotional punch they did if it weren’t for the still raw patch of self-doubt and guilt I harbored about the first year of Sadie’s life. My heart sank into my belly at the thought that I could have made her sick. Really sick.
Part of me protested that everything I had read and had been taught said that it’s a good thing to expose your dog to many different experiences, especially a fearful dog.
‘I thought I was doing the right thing! Besides, Sadie played with the puppies and people at puppy kindergarten at her own speed as far as I could tell, and by the third class she absolutely loved it.’
But, another part of me didn’t want to argue. That part wanted to ‘get’ what Turid was trying to tell me. That part sensed she was saying something I needed to hear. Not wanted to hear. Needed to hear. That part won out.
So I asked, “What should I have done instead?”
“Not so much doing! Americans are so busy doing, doing, doing. Stop doing things with your dog. Relax and be with your dog. Listen to what your dog is telling you.”
I got worried here. Did Turid mean I needed to communicate telepathically with Sadie? I had always suspected that being ‘on talking terms with dogs’ meant more than exchanging eye blinks and yawns. Turid might be gifted in the art of mind melding with dogs. Me? Not so much.
“Listen? What do you mean ‘listen’?”
Turid proceeded to tell of a German Shepard (if I remember the breed correctly). The poor dog had been through some kind of hell and Turid had taken her in. “She told me she needed sleep,” Turid says. “So she slept in a comfortable bed for days. She was safe. She could relax. That’s all. And, then when she was ready, she told me her story.”
I imagined how attentive and in-the-moment Turid must have been with the German Shepard. She didn’t push the river. Me? I would have been splashing and forcing my way upstream, fearful that if I let the dog ‘be’ she’d never wake up.
“She told you her story?”
“Yes. When she finally woke up from days of mostly sleeping she came into my lap with her front paws and looked at me and told me everything. She moaned and talked and made all sorts of sounds. She told me her story.”
I imagined Turid embracing the German Shepard with her Earth Motherliness and my heart cracked open. I visualized her compassionately listening to the dog howl her tale of woe and express her gratitude with nuzzles and kisses. In my mind’s eye I saw Turid just listening to her dog without any investment in any particular outcome.
But I did have an investment in a particular outcome. I did all I could to prevent my worst fear from coming true—that I would have yet another chronically fearful dog whose life was severely circumscribed. This made it very difficult if not impossible for me to listen to Sadie on her terms.
My angst about her fearfulness rendered me deaf to important things Sadie was trying to tell me, like the time she shut down and curled herself into a small ball at the feet of the owner of our doggie daycare. He was a macho kind of guy whose personality intimidated some dogs. Sadie was one of them. His wife intervened that morning and ushered Sadie to her favorite outdoor area. It pains me now to say this, but I took Sadie back to that daycare, albeit on days when macho guy wasn’t there. But still. I did not listen to my girl.
Sadie almost died when she was eleven months old. Ordinary kennel cough, literally in a matter of a few hours, progressed into a nasty pneumonia that filled her lungs with fluid at an alarming rate. Some of Sadie’s friends had contracted kennel cough and shook it off with a round of antibiotics. No big deal. Why not Sadie?
Had my drive to socialize stressed her so much and weakened her immune system so severely that it couldn’t mount a defense against the disease? And, what about the chronic bouts of diarrhea that plagued her month after month the first year of life? Was I so consumed by my own desire to transform Sadie into a less fearful dog that the only way she could capture my attention was to nearly die?
With these thoughts racing through my mind, I reached for my glass of ice water in an attempt to steady myself. I grabbed at the napkin in my lap. I looked into the distance at the martini menu scribbled on a white board hanging above the bar. But, I could not hold back the rush of tears. That’s when the quesadilla caught in my throat.
“I’m so moved,” I said through my sobs. Christine, Turid’s assistant who had joined us earlier, offered me a Kleenex. Turid touched my shoulder. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.” “It’s okay. Really. Thank you. You’ve given me a lot to think about, a gift actually.”
It’s been two weeks since that conversation took place and I’m still digesting its significance. One thing for sure is that I’m taking time to ‘just be’ with Sadie. Or more precisely, I’m trying to feel out what that really means. I know how to ‘do’ things with her, you know, play ball and such, but I’m not sure how to ‘be’ with her. For example, when we’re at home she lays on the couch. If I sit next to her to read a book, before long she moves. Sometimes she joins me in whatever room I’m in, but she rarely seeks out interaction. She just finds her favorite place and lies down.
That said, we are taking leisurely sniffing walks together at on-leash parks around town. I say to her, “Your choice,” and then I follow wherever her nose leads us. Does that count as being with Sadie? I’m not sure.
So I continue to ponder just being with Sadie. And, I’m listening really hard.
Oh honey 🙁 I’m like you. I want to figure out the problem and fix it. Just because one person solved a problem one way though doesn’t mean that that is the only solution or the best solution for you.
Now, Deborah, I’m going to speak sharply to you: Stop beating yourself up. Immediately! You did what the founder of APDT, Dr. Ian Dunbar, suggests that one do — socialized your puppy at an early age. And if you can’t trust the founder of the organization to give you good advice… even more than one of the invited speakers…
You’ve done the best you can for Sadie. And I’m sure you’re reading her just fine. Susan Sontag would yell at you too if she were still alive about blaming victims of disease for their diseases (I know, you’re not blaming Sadie, but yourself). Turid was just presenting one point of view — one that seems a bit touchy-feely to me, to be quite honest. It’s not the be all and end all.
Okay, Doc, I’ll try to stop beating myself up. And, I agree with you that there are lots of different points of view. And, I love that because there is so much juice in our varying perspectives, or there can be, if we explore them. But, I have to say, I can count on one hand the number of times in my life I’ve been talking along all rational and all, and then all at once out of the depths a sob bursts through. Most of those times have been in therapy. So, it just seemed to me there was/is something there to pay attention to—without beating myself up 😉
Fair enough! And of course I’m talking to myself here too. The titles of my blog and book — Will My Dog Hate Me? and Am I Boring My Dog? — alone should suggest I am very much subject to dog-related guilt. Incidentally, Frankie moves away too when I sit down on the couch next to him — unless it’s almost dinner time, at which point he keeps me under close supervision.
LOL! Yes, of course, the titles of your book and blog and dead giveaways. But, your blog is a much needed guilt free one 😉 Look, we’re a little nuts about our dogs. We worry about them especially when they have chronic problems like fearfulness, anxiety and diabetes to name a mere few of the things that keep us (me) up at night. And, I’m sorry that Frankie moves away when you sit next to him like Sadie does me (ouch!), but I’m glad I’m not alone. This little n=2 leads me to conclude it’s our dogs, not us.
Hi, Deborah. I think it’s terrific that you’re even trying to “listen” to Sadie. I teach a therapy dog training class in Tucson and one of the most difficult things to present is nonverbal, unstructured communication between dog and handler. Most have come from a traditional obedience background where stern commands and leash jerks normally get the desired outcome and precision is more important than the reason for the activity. My class, and therapy dog visits to those in need, is about working with your dog, listening, paying attention to and recognizing signs of stress, love, attention, focus, etc.
My dog and I have been working together for more than five years and we’re still learning. It was 2 years before I could hug him without his panicking and pulling away. It was 4 years before he would sit beside me on the couch. He likes to be with me, wants to go when I go, follows me room to room, but he has his own idea of togetherness that he’s taught me. Closeness and togetherness doesn’t have to include cuddling, touching, or structured activities. He only requires that I be in his line of sight and acknowledge/smile at him frequently. Because I’ve learned to work with his personality and his needs, we’re both happier and a more balanced team.
I have a bookshelf full of dog books (including Am I Boring My Dog?) and love to read/learn. However, my suggestion is that you stop reading for a few months and just learn from Sadie. She’ll let you know what she needs and you’ll understand. Dogs are living, breathing Rorschach Tests. Relax you eyes and your mind and the picture will appear — and it will be amazing.
How nice that you have my book — and that you’re in Tucson! Did you come to a signing? If you did and introduced yourself, I apologize for spacing on your name. Maybe we’ve encountered each other on the Rillito and you’ve seen me and Frankie (who would have shied away from you and your dog… 😉
I met you at the Ventana Canyon signing. There was a big turn out (good for you & the Humane Society!) so I certainly wouldn’t have expected you to remember me. But, you may remember my dog, Harley — Great Dane/Foxhound/St. Bernard mix. Goofy smile, very long legs and a Gentle Leader. His picture is my Twitter photo (@aloyalcompanion). I think I talked to you about Gabriel’s Angels and possibly doing something for a fundraiser for them. Does that ring any bells? You also may have seen us on the Rillito — we walk between Craycroft and Campbell on the south side.
I have not just one, but two copies of your book! (Although, I hope you won’t mind if I only read 1…). I bought one at the signing and received another as a gift from a client. Coincidently, she’s in your exercise class, MJ Evans. Tucson is such a big small town! 🙂
I love it that you and Edie are ‘meeting’ again on my blog!
Sorry for the belated response, Kate. I’m so glad to find you here because I couldn’t find your card (things were, as you said, chaotic that day). I do remember Harley and I will contact you more directly — now that I know your name/Twitter address — re a benefit.
And, yes, Deborah, you provide a very nice house for a lot of good dog people to hang out in!
LOL I love being in “doghouse” will all of you!
Deborah, thanks for the great doghouse! Finally one it’s good to be in!
Hi Kate
Thank you for your thoughtful and wise comments. Rorschach indeed! The (my) challenge is to not project my ‘stuff’ onto Sadie and, as you say, “Relax you eyes and your mind and the picture will appear — and it will be amazing.” That’s lovely.
Hey Deborah!
Wow! How exciting to not only meet someone you (and I) admire deeply, but have her graciously tell you something that you probably needed right there – right in that moment. 🙂
You have been nothing less of a supermom to Sadie. There simply is no room for self-doubt as I see it. But, maybe Turid’ s words were needed right at that moment. Maybe, you would’ve come home all pumped up on APDT juice & had a million things you wanted to do with Sadie, but what Sadie needed from you is to listen. And that’s the message you came home with. I LOVE it! 🙂
Hugs to you & Sadie both!
Anna & the Neo Nectar Gang
Hi Anna,
Thank you for you kind words and support. And, as you guessed, I certainly was pumped up from APDT. There were some terrific presentations by top-notch presenters. I loved being surrounded by throngs of dog lovers.
I respect Turid Rugaas very much because she brings a naturalist, holistic, however you want to describe it approach to working with dogs. That said however, she is not a scientist and has no research to back up her approach. I’m not saying that everything has to be scientific, but in this case, I would respectfully disagree with her.
If you dog was exhibiting fearful behavior at 10 weeks of age, there is a high likelihood that there is a genetic or neurobiology basis to her fear responses. It is very likely that if you had not poured on the socialization, you would have had a more fearful adult dog, or even a fear aggressive dog when your dog hit social maturity at 18 months.
Again, I like Turid’s perspective. She’s right in that her perspective is a decidedly un-american one in our do/do, achieve/achieve society. There’s value in just “being” with our dogs with no agenda. However, when we’re responsible for helping an anxious, fearful, or aggressive dog feel better, we’re not going to get there by just “being”. I personally believe that you did exactly the right thing with your dog.
Isn’t APDT and social networking great? We can exchange different ideas and incorporate them into our thinking if we’d like. Just remember, you haven’t done anything wrong and your girl is lucky to have you. That’s just my perspective.
Christine, I absolutely agree with you on the socialization approach. Sadie needed and needs as much as she can tolerate. I think Turid’s approach is most helpful in determining how much is enough/too much. I certainly didn’t listen my way through training Harley (at 100 Lbs
that wasn’t going to work), but I strongly believe there is room for more communication FROM the dog as well as TO the dog. We don’t eat with just one utensil, why would we want to use just one to develop such an important relationship with our dogs?
Hi Kate,
I think you are right on! Two things. I agree that “Turid’s approach is most helpful in determining how much is enough/too much. And, second, I think paying deliberate attention to developing a relationship with our puppy or adopted adult dog is really important. (And, Turid is helpful here as well, I believe.) I just didn’t think about it that way when Sadie was a puppy. Of course I can and am doing that now. I like your idea that there is “room for more communication FROM the dog as well as TO the dog.
Thank you so much.
Hello Christine
I agree with you that Sadie’s fearfulness likely was do to genetic predisposition and that she needed lots of socialization to all the sorts of things she would experience in life. And, thank you for your support in this, it means a lot.
I think what Turid tapped into at that particular moment was that I hardly ever just hung out with Sadie in safe places to discover who she was, who we were together, and to help her learn to relax with me. We live in the foothills of Boulder, about 25 min from town.Our house is very isolated. So I felt compelled to take Sadie into town everyday. She had down time in the car in her kennel where would sleep when I worked out and ran errands and so on, and eventually when she was comfortable enough she could stay at my friend’s house with her and her dogs during the day. But, we were on the go, go, go. Buy the time evening rolled around, Sadie naturally was tired. So she slept, ate diner and slept some more. Then, in the morning we’d go for a walk, have breakfast, nap, and then off we’d go. I was driven and I think that’s what I regret. It has less to do, as I think about in light of your insightful remarks and those of others, with socializing Sadie, which I agree was/is absolutely necessary, and more to do with my internal state through it all.
I think there is wisdom in both socializing puppies and going to puppy kindergarten and doing all that is necessary to raise a well-adjusted pup. I also think that paying attention to being with our dogs and developing a relationship by watching and listening and gently interacting is important. Learning to relax with each other. And how that would look with each person/puppy would be different just as it is different between moms and their infants. With some puppies and people I’m sure this comes naturally. With Sadie and me, not so much. So it would have taken my paying attention to spending this kind of time.
But, it’s never too late.
Thank you again for your support and clear thinking!
Oh, dear friend. As I mentioned via email recently, I’ve been there … boo-hooing my way home … though not with someone quite so famous. ;o)
Food for thought. Our behaviorist told me that genetics, poor/non-existent socialization, and early illness (including parvo and kennel cough that turned into pneumonia) likely set Lilly up to be the fearful dog she is. She said it was the perfect/worst recipe for dogs like ours. So, don’t knock yourself around about the socialization work you did. Lilly didn’t have it at all (we assume) and turned out the same way. So, MAYBE, it’s a combo of genetics and early illness that primed Sadie’s fear pump.
I agree. As Christine said in a comment to this post, Sadie’s fear is likely genetically based due to it’s early appearance at 10 weeks or sooner. And, while the breeders did an ok job at socializing the litter, it wasn’t great.
Thank you for all your help and recommendations. As I mentioned to you in and email, we will be getting and xanax and probably give it a try for situational challenges. I’ll keep you posted.
Thank you for your support. Hugs to you and Lilly.
I’m embarrassed to admit it took me this long to come up with this suggestion (being a canine massager therapist, and all) but a consistent massage routine can also help take the edge off your dog’s anxieties and allow her to feel more confident. I worked with a fearful dog here in Tucson (Nala, Harley’s best friend) who would shake at the prospect of going into PetSmart, lunge aggressively at anyone or anything that got too close, scamper behind the largest member of the human pack (usually me) at any sound.
I worked with her for about 4-6 weeks on a therapeutic program designed to help calm her nerves and introduce the concept of relaxation and its benefits. During our work, her owner mentioned that PetSmart wasn’t such a terrorizing event any more and that she seemed more confident. The owner is now comfortable enough to consider enrolling her in group obedience and rally classes again.
We believe Nala’s fear stems from an unprovoked attack at a dog park when she was about 10 months old — absolutely the worst timing. The other dog had her in a death shake, which she escaped, and then she disappeared for four hours. She (and her owner) have never gotten past that event. However, the massage was good for both of them as it allowed them to bond over a very positive and replicable experience.
I assume you’re in Boulder — I know there are a TON of canine massager therapists up there. If you need help finding one, let me know and I’ll get you in touch with one. If you want to learn to do it yourself, try Rocky Mountain School of Animal Acupressure & Massage (RMSAAM.com). It’s the best money I ever spent (and Harley agrees with me!)
k
A year or two ago I would have scoffed at your suggestion of massage because Sadie did not like being touched very much. In fact I tried some t-touch and after a few seconds she get up and walked away. But, I’ve noticed that she’s slowing becoming more welcoming of stroking and sometimes actually asks to be touched.
It sounds like you attended Rocky Mountain School of Animal Acupressure and Massage? I didn’t even know of it! I’ll check it out.
In the meantime, if you know of massage therapists in Boulder who you think are top notch I’d be interested in knowing about them. If you want to send that info confidentially, go to the contact page of this blog site.
It’s very sweet of you to be thinking of Sadie and me. We both appreciate it a lot.
Hello there, I don’t remember how old your dog is now, or how the training is going now? My Tigerlily was a super-duper shy reactive puppy, and I started offering daycare myself here just in order to socialize her “my own way,” giving her the time and support she needed, and the right size and attitude playmates, to become more confident. Don’t beat yourself up! You love your dog, you keep your dog, you grow with your dog, and that’s the deal. If the dog had nothing to teach you, that’s not your dog! Our dogs always teach us, we become more skillful from knowing them. Yes, sure, it can be easy to overwhelm puppies, I’ve seen that happen, I’m sure I’ve done it myself with Tigerlily, giving her a bit more than she can chew. But I don’t agree that we should always work sub-threshhold, I do think we have to slowly push that threshhold, and we can expect to make progress.
Have you made no progress at all, or are you just sad because Sadie’s behavior isn’t perfect yet? A lot of times we don’t focus on all the progress that has been made because the dog is still reactive sometimes. If the dog reacts for shorter periods of time, or less frequently, or even in a different manner, that can all be signs of progress. It takes time! Tigerlily is almost five years old now, and she isn’t perfectly behaved 100% of the time, but I see all sorts of measurable signs of improvement, she is much faster to adapt to new dogs, much less reactive and as long as you can see that, you’re headed in the right direction.
P.S. I used DAP spray (Dog Appeasing Pheromone) and sprayed it to my pants legs when I brought Tigerlily to early dog/pup classes. I recommend that.
Thank you for your thoughtful comments. Greatly appreciated. To answer your question, Turid tapped into a long held concern that I wasn’t as attentive as I could/should have been to Sadie’s stress levels. And given her illnesses that first year of her life, well, that looks like evidence to me that I was pushing her too hard. She much healthier now, although we are currently battling a difficult case of vaginitis. I think we’re on the up side of that, but not entirely sure. We go back to the vet today. I’ve never used DAP, but it’s worth a try! Thanks again.
Deborah, While I respect Turid and her work with dogs greatly I feel, that in this instance, she might be incorrect. I do have to agree with what Edie Jarolim says in her reply about Dr. Dunbar. I like Turid’s approach to a laid back style but in many cases people not doing for their dog is the basis of so many of a dogs problems.
While I am certainly no expert in this arena I do work with many dogs whose problems are much more intensified by the time I see them, and I directly attribute that to people the problem, or symptoms thereof, for too long.
I do not know if the problem lies with the breeder or nature but obviously there was some sort of problem from the time you got your pup. You did the best you could and the problem could have been much more severe had you not gone to puppy class.
I hope this finds you and Sadie doing well.
Should read: and I directly attribute that to people letting the problem, or symptoms thereof, go on for too long.
I am going to fire my editor!