Today begins a new series of blog entries entitled ‘And another thing’—brief ‘shout outs’ shorter than my typical blog post and too long for a tweet. Some things grind away at my thoughts like a dog that refuses to give up gnawing a bare bone. Others things make me feel so happy, I swear could leap into the air and catch a Frisbee in my teeth! Still others leave me wondering… WTF? Rather than keep these simmering, not-necessarily-fully-cooked tid-bits to my self, I want to share them with you. I hope you enjoy. 😉 Comments welcome.
I do not, I repeat, DO NOT want a ‘calm-submissive’ dog. Ah…that felt good. I’ve been dying to say that out loud. And, I’m not just being contrarian because Cesar Millan says a good dog is calm-submissive. Just for the record, I don’t disagree with everything he spouts. For example, I can think of one thing he says that I agree with. Dogs do need adequate exercise. Maybe many ordinary dog owners didn’t know this until Cesar said so.
Okay, let’s break this down. Calm. Do I want a ‘calm’ dog? Well, yes sometimes, but I prefer the word ‘relaxed.’ A dog can appear calm on the outside but not be relaxed on the inside. When Sadie is so-called calm-submissive alarms go off in me. She’s possibly telling me she fearful, uncomfortable, and potentially reactive. I want relaxed!
When I’m working at the computer, preparing her dinner, or watching a movie, relaxed is good. When I take Sadie shopping ( she loves retail), being easy-going works there too. We both love it when sales people coo and marvel over how comfortable she seems, laying there on her side while I fumble through the sweaters.
And, need I say it? In the face of distractions, do I want Sadie to be relaxed, or at least displaying calming signals? Oh yeah!
Do I want Sadie to go from energy level 10 to 1 in an instant? You bet. That’s why from the time I brought her home Nana helped us practice the cue ‘settle.’ It’s essential in an emergency and it’s even a fun game. Sadie’s romping all out. “Settle.” Plop. “Release.” Romp. Run. Chase. “Settle.” Plop. “Release.” You get it.
Submissive? I don’t like the word. (I’ll leave the alpha implications, the flip side of submissive, for another post.) From the looks of the dogs that I’ve seen that Cesar has annointed as having acheived his perfect state of calm-submissive, they look flat-out freaked out to me. Tails tucked. Ears pinned back. Mouth tight or panting with anxiety. Head held low, unless he’s forcing it up with a leash. Calm on the outside, apprehensive on the inside. No thank you.
I prefer ‘appeasing’ to submissive. Do I ever want Sadie to display appeasing behaviors? Sure. She’s much less likely to get into a scuffle with other dogs if she approaches with her back slightly hunched, head low, tail wagging flat and slow. (No, she does not always do this.) Do I want her to offer appeasing behaviors to me? Hmm. I need to think about it. I’m not sure. But what I think doesn’t really matter because she displays appeasing behaviors anyway when greeting people she loves, which includes ‘helicopter tail.’ I absolutely adore helicopter tail.
If not calm-submissive, what do I want? I want ‘relaxed-happy-confident’! I want bright eyes, tail high and wagging, and a body relaxed in that lovely loosey-goosey way. I want ears relaxed or forward with happy anticipation. l want her joyfully to meet her people and doggie friends alike. I want excitement when we go to the ball park to play fetch, and when she’s learning a new behavior, for that matter. I want curiosity and interest in the world around her. And, I want her to ‘settle’ on cue. I want happy juice flowing through her brain and body as much as possible, not cortisol.
I’ll say it again. Sadie, are you listening? “I am filled with joy when you are ‘relaxed- happy-confident’!
Just stopped in to say hi. I’ve only seen short podcasts of CM’s but everything you’ve said here makes perfect sense. I’m with you on helicopter tail too. I’m lucky to get it first thing every morning.
I can’t even fathom anyone wanting anything OTHER than relaxed-happy-confident! Fancy has perfected calm-watchful which I can live with and Brit has HAPPY shooting straight out the kazoo as she bounces off the ceiling 😉
I always feel like if I could master relaxed-happy-confident for myself that would give my dogs a better shot at it 😐
I love this! Isn’t it interesting. . . you’ve pointed this out beautifully. If we could just be more like our dogs. . .wouldn’t that be fabulous? If I could be like my Janie. . . I’d be much more attentive to people’s needs, relaxed and a bit protective too. If I could be like Jazz, the Katrina mutt. . . I’d be able to TOTALLY tune anyone out when someone interesting, like a chipmunk, squeaked and scurried by!
Yeah! I’m with you Deborah! One day all this alpha/dominant/submissive/assertive jargon will be history, can’t wait.
Well-said, as always! I want exactly what you described, definitely not learned helplessness and fear, which is what you see on tv being called ‘calm-submission.’
I think you might like one of my recent tweets. A bit of context: Jack Field is my fictional alter-ego, the lead character in my dog mysteries. On my twitter page I sometimes post pithy things he’s said (either in my actual novels, or just in my imagination).
Anyway, a recent tweet goes like this: “Jack Fieldisms #8 – I never want any of my dogs to feel ‘submissive.’ It’s a very unhappy, very negative mental state for a dog to be in.”
I may have to take your lead here, and write a post for my Psychology Today blog to expand on why “Jack” thinks this way.
LCK
BTW: For further context, Millan’s dogs are rarely as “calm” as he says they are. They may no longer be bouncing off the walls, but their eyes show a lot of fear, tension, helplessness, etc.
I love your comment about wanting “happy juice flowing through her brain and body”; EXACTLY right! I agree with your comments about CM…maybe he’s good with some dogs; but, I don’t think he’s great with all dogs. I never want any of our little ones to show fear, submission, angst.
Great post!
Thank you Deborah!
Wonderful, articulate, thoughtful post, and as usual SPOT ON!
So… you don’t like ‘calm, submissive,’ but you do like, ‘relaxed, confident.’ Aren’t most calm folks relaxed? Sounds like you’re saying the same thing only in other words. True, one can be calm in the face of an emergency and not be at all relaxed, but that’s the exception, not the rule. You don’t have to use the words ‘submissive’ and ‘dominant’ if you don’t like those words. You can call them ‘rose’ and ‘lily,’ but that won’t change what they are. Someone, among humans and among dogs, has to be in charge. Even in a small group such as a family, someone is the heart of the home while someone else is the head of the house. No matter how they share responsibility or authority or labor or anything else, someone has to be the one to say ‘okay, let’s do it,’ no matter what they’re doing. It may be a different person for each activity, but someone has to take charge and say ‘let’s do it.’ And the same thing is true among dogs. Someone has to be in charge of knowing what’s going on and in charge of deciding who is going to do what and when they’re going to do it. In a dog-human relationship, that ‘someone’ is and should be the human. That means the human is the dominant one in the relationship and the dog is the submissive one. Being submissive does not mean being cowed or being subservient. It means recognizing and accepting that someone else makes the decisions. Most folks do this at work every day and find no shame or embarrassment in it.
It’s sad that people can’t use words the way they’re intended to be used. Here are the Merriam-Webster dictionary definitions of ‘submit.’
transitive verb
1 a: to yield to governance or authority b: to subject to a condition, treatment, or operation
2: to present or propose to another for review, consideration, or decision ; also : to deliver formally
3: to put forward as an opinion or contention
intransitive verb
1 a: to yield oneself to the authority or will of another : surrender b: to permit oneself to be subjected to something
2: to defer to or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another
Now where, in all that, is there anything at all to cause us to dislike the ‘connotations’ of the word submit or submission? ‘Submissive’ does not mean ‘subservient.’ But whenever we think of the word ‘submissive,’ the only definition we attach to it is ‘surrender.’ As if there is somehow something amiss with a dog surrendering his will to the will of a human. If dogs did not do that, they would be in the category of ‘wild animal.’ Or, perhaps, like sheep, goats, and cows, considered livestock. But they wouldn’t be our beloved companion animals, that’s for sure!
The point is that it seems to me that what you and other Purely Positive folks are assuming is that ‘calm, submissive’ means something other than what it really means. It does not mean ‘cowed, subservient.’ It does mean ‘relaxed, confident.’
I do believe word connotations, usage, and intent are important. Still, I think there is a difference between definitions and the impact of language on culture as a whole and individuals.
For example, if we’re being dramatic about something that upset us and say, “I could just KILL myself,” most people get the idea we’re stressed, but to people whose loved ones did KILL themselves, the same phrase comes across badly or as offensive or inappropriate.
SO, for me, Deborah’s point is more about the emotions dogs display or what she seeks/hopes is going on inside. And, as usual, I agree with her.
I like to think of it as our dogs looking to us for guidance and information, rather than to yield or surrender. To me, training is about communication and teamwork, not so much about control.
Roxanne,
That’s exactly what Millan works with dogs to do! — to gain the trust of the dog so they seek guidance from him/us. And to him, “calm” DOES mean to be relaxed. Calm isn’t just being still and quiet. If you watched his show (and really paid attention) you’d see that he DOES want actual relaxation. He points out when a dog is NOT relaxed. He, also, stresses the importance of the human being calm (and relaxed). Because we all know we can be calm but very tense. When you watch the show, you’ll see him do deep breaths to let out any tension and help create calm and relaxation before he works with a dog.
Cesar’s “submissive” means trusting and seeking guidance from the human. It’s not fear at all. Cesar does not want to be feared or get cowering from the dogs. Not at all. Believe me, I’ve seen a “fear” causing trainer in action my area and Cesar and he are as opposite as night and day. And no thank you to the fear monger!
Any dog you see Cesar work with that has tail tucked, ears back, etc. is not from Cesar’s doing! The dogs he works with are unbalanced and the people are at their wit’s end. The humans have usually unknowingly created or encouraged their undesired behavior. And the humans are often as unbalanced as the dogs. These dogs are used to ruling the humans. When Cesar steps in and shows he’ll be taking charge, sometimes at first this confuses and may upset the dogs because it’s not what they’re used to. Usually this is with the more aggressive cases. He doesn’t hurt them, he presents an assertive energy. He often bonds with the dog first by taking it on a long walk.
So, you DO agree with him, Deborah! On more than you thought!
If your dog looks to you for information and guidance, then you are his leader – you want him to use the information you give him to follow your guidelines. In order for this to happen, there has to be communication. A Police Chief gives out assignments. He gives orders to his personnel. His people work together as a team, and if the chief is a hand-on kind of guy, he works with them as part of the team. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a leader – one to whom the others defer. All who are not the leader are subordinate to that leader and do, to some degree, surrender their will to the will of their leader. In human society we accept the idea the there are consequences for every action. We accept the idea that if anything is going to be accomplished, someone has to be in charge of it and others have to follow the instructions of that someone. So it is with dogs and humans. If anything is going to be accomplished, someone has to be in charge of it and others have to follow the instructions of that someone. Is that so hard to understand?
I agree that someone does have to be in charge of giving instructions and so it follows that others have to take that instruction. However it is not always necessary to be dominant about it.
I have a very fearful dog, who knew nothing of the world before I adopted her. If I were to display dominance over her she would simply cower down, shut down, or run away from me, or all three. The upshot of that would be that she would never trust me or want to be with me and so it would be impossible to teach her anything!
However after 8 months of working with her patiently, and kindly she can now perform simple and very necessary (for safety), precise instructions which she carries out willingly and confidently. She remains reactive and fearful of people but she does, at least have the capapcity to learn.
Whilst I do agree that all creatures have a need to be ‘balanced’ including humans, I do not agree with the need to be totally dominant over a dog, just because it is a dog/animal, and we are the humans.
A happy and working relationship I believe, can best be achieved with knowledge, kindness and lots of patience.
Not sure if you just swapped calm-submissive for “relaxed-appeasing” but mentioned the same behavioral expectations. It’d be interesting to hear how do you think what Ceasar expects from dogs differs from you.
Actually, I said “relaxed, happy, confident.”
Amen! I just came over via Roxanne’s blog, and have read back through some of your older posts. Great blog! I agree with so much of what you have said, and as I am working through many fear issues with my currrent rescue puppy, your story about getting Sadie resonated. I look forward to reading more!